Enough.

After years helping women find their voice, I'm finding out why they had to lose it.

When you think you're struggling to find your voice, I’d hazard a guess that part of you is deciding whether it’s worth the cost.

You know what you think, what you believe in, what you’re for and what you’re against. You’ve weighed it up, read the room, calculated the risk, factored in what happened last time. And then you’ve said something smaller instead.

You’ve chosen the ‘safe’ way, minimised the risk to yourself, made sure no-one, except quite possibly yourself, feels uncomfortable. You do all that and then someone pipes up and tells you “you know your problem, you just need more confidence.”

FFS.

From where I’m standing, you don’t have a confidence problem but instead, you’re experiencing consequences.

You, me, we, we’ve learned, rationally and accurately, that honesty in professional spaces often carries a penalty that directness in men doesn’t. But it doesn’t just stop at work. We see the same patterns at home, in our families (read: parents), on a trip to the doctors or taking the car to the garage.

So what do you we do? Do we call it out? Do we stand up when we see it happening? Some of us do, but for the most, the risk is too great.

So we adapt to feel safer and we edit our stories. But don’t begin to think that makes you weak, in fact it makes you very bloody clever and observant… it’s just a fucking shame it doesn’t serve you in the long run.

What this is

I’ve been thinking about this phenomenon for a while now, listening to the experiences of the women I work with, my friends, the people I network with, myself. And I think it’s time we put a name to it.

So I’m calling it: the Story Trust Gap

The Story Trust Gap is the distance between what women know to be true about themselves and what systems allow them to say without a price to pay.

I’m looking to discover more about how systems train women to distort their truth and not trust in their story. And importantly also, how that distortion keeps power structures going that we know, quite obviously, do not work - and were never designed to work - for women.

So for me, this means rather than just helping women find and user their voice, I’ll be unpicking why women have had to edit it in the first place.

And for this I need your help.

The Story Trust Gap Project

I’m documenting the Story Trust Gap in action for women; not just midlife women running their own businesses, but across all walks of life, all socio-economic backgrounds, ethnicities, abilities; the true cost of women’s silence. And I plan to put this evidence in front of the people who have the power to act.

Why?

Because you can’t redesign what you refuse to measure. And I for one (with the voice of many) am sick and tired of being told we are the problem, we are the ones that have to change.

The work starts 27 March at Midday.

What We’re Not Saying is an anonymous storytelling space where I will curate and share the stories that you haven’t been able to tell. The thing you didn’t say, the disagreement you softened, the truth you parked, the moment honesty felt like a risk you couldn’t afford.

Women-only, for now

I know (and this is rather the point) that women speak differently when there’s no need to manage how they’re being heard. So this will be a closed, women-only listening session.

There will be no pressure to turn your camera on, share your name or what you do. You can submit your stories before hand, or just show up to listen and to be reassured, you are not the only one that feels the way you do. Its purpose is to collect the evidence, it’s not therapy, or coaching or storytelling inspiration.

Future phases may include hearing from men as well as women, or a more open, public discussion but this first one isn’t that.

Get involved

Tickets for What We’re Not Saying are on sale now. They’re just £5 and all money raised will go to women-led, Bristol-based charity LoveWell, supporting their efforts to create empowering work for marginalised women.

And remember. You don’t have to speak during the session but if you feel you can share a story ahead of time, I would really appreciate it. Full details on what to share and how to submit will be sent out once you’ve bought your ticket.

It will be hosted on Zoom and a recording will be made available to all ticket holders, along with a summary of the stories shared and any reflections made.

Remember - this is just the first stage in a wider project to evidence how we distort our stories and the impact this has on us and the wider systems around us.

This is really important work and your opportunity to share your truth, without any fear or judgement, as part of something which one day, could change everything.

You already know what you think, you've always known. It's time someone wrote it down.

Hilary xx

P.S I would love to get as many women as possible involved in the first session so please share the link wherever you can.